Whalechaser posted an "in kind of bad taste" joke on her site a few days ago that, when I first started reading it, thought sure it was going to be one I'd heard before (although it had been a long time).
But no, it's a little different. Now, for those of you who are offended at slightly off-color jokes, read no further. For the rest, read on. (Just about everybody, I'll bet!)
I recommend that you begin with Whale's joke. It's funny. Then, when I tell you mine, you'll see why I was reminded of it.
It seems that there was this traveling salesman who suspected his wife was dilly-dallying around while he was away on business. And so, one day - having already told his wife he'd be out of town - he came home unannounced.
Immediately upon entering their apartment, he suspected foul play. He could smell cigar smoke and neither he nor his wife smoked cigars.
He accused his wife of entertaining a gentleman friend and went charging through the apartment, opening closet doors and looking in cabinets and under beds. Nothing. No culprit to be found.
In a state of total rage, he happened to look out their kitchen window and saw a man getting into his convertible. Positive it was his wife's lover, he picked up their refrigerator and threw it out the window. And yes, it landed on the convertible.
Later, during the police investigation of the incident, a man was questioned who said, "Gee, I don't know what happened, officers. I was just sitting inside this refrigerator smoking my cigar!"
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
News from Beth
I just received an e-mail from my friend Beth, who is in Equatorial Guinea. You might remember that I drove her up to IAH in early February.
She was originally scheduled to return next week, but I reported here that they'd had some troubles over there and were more or less in a "lockdown" mode until things quieted down. The next day she wrote that training had been re-scheduled and it looked like she'd be coming back almost as planned.
Well, her itinerary has been changed. It now appears as tho Beth will be going directly to Malaysia from Equatorial Guinea instead of coming back to Houston. (Click on map to enlarge.)
She'll fly into Kuala Lumpur on the 27th, where she'll stay overnight before continuing on to Kerteh, where she will join two other members of their implementation support team. Her arrival date back in Houston is now projected to be mid-April.
She's fast becoming a world traveler!
Meanwhile, down in Pearland, her husband and mother have had lots of company. Her brother-in-law got the job he was applying for there (great news!), and Beth's house is temporarily accommodating four adults and four dogs, so there's not been a dull moment!
She sent a joke, which I'm going to share with you ... ...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on, so he called upon one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth to personally observe for a period of time and then come back and give him a report.
When the angel returned he told God, "Yes, it's bad down there. Ninety-five percent of the people are misbehaving. Only 5% are not."
"Hmmm," thought God, "maybe I should send another angel down to get a second opinion." So he sent another angel. When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline."
God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good to give them some words of encouragement, give them a little something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
OK, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either ...
She was originally scheduled to return next week, but I reported here that they'd had some troubles over there and were more or less in a "lockdown" mode until things quieted down. The next day she wrote that training had been re-scheduled and it looked like she'd be coming back almost as planned.
Well, her itinerary has been changed. It now appears as tho Beth will be going directly to Malaysia from Equatorial Guinea instead of coming back to Houston. (Click on map to enlarge.)
She'll fly into Kuala Lumpur on the 27th, where she'll stay overnight before continuing on to Kerteh, where she will join two other members of their implementation support team. Her arrival date back in Houston is now projected to be mid-April.
She's fast becoming a world traveler!
Meanwhile, down in Pearland, her husband and mother have had lots of company. Her brother-in-law got the job he was applying for there (great news!), and Beth's house is temporarily accommodating four adults and four dogs, so there's not been a dull moment!
She sent a joke, which I'm going to share with you ... ...
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on, so he called upon one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth to personally observe for a period of time and then come back and give him a report.
When the angel returned he told God, "Yes, it's bad down there. Ninety-five percent of the people are misbehaving. Only 5% are not."
"Hmmm," thought God, "maybe I should send another angel down to get a second opinion." So he sent another angel. When that angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline."
God was not pleased. He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good to give them some words of encouragement, give them a little something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
OK, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either ...
Friday, March 13, 2009
A couple of jokes
I've got a bunch of other things going on right now that require a bit of concentration, so thought I'd try and lighten up your day (and mine) with a chuckle or two.
This first one I've heard before ... many many years ago, but it wasn't until I read Chuck's recent post that I thought of it again. I like it. Hope you do! It's called "Digging the Garden" ... ...
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work as the ground was very hard. Vincent (his only son), who used to help him, was in prison and unavailable.
In an effort to describe his predicament, he wrote a letter to his son. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you'd be happy to dig the plot for me just like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived. After digging up the entire area without finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
His next letter from Vincent read, Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
This next one, now, is one of my all-time favorites, but I don't know how to put in writing a sound that is an integral part of the punch line. So before I begin, I thought it would be best to try and describe the sound for you. (I can only make this sound, for some reason or another, out of the right side of my mouth!) To begin, you kind of clench your teeth and smile. Then, slapping your tongue against your clenched teeth towards the back of your mouth, you can make a sort of clicking sound. You have to make this clicking sound four times ... two times quickly in succession, followed by another two times - again quickly - in succession. I lost you, didn't I? If I didn't - did you practice 'clicking'? - lose you, I'll indicate this sound by (and now I'll have to think about how I'll write this sound. Oh, dear!) "** **" ... ... will that work? It'd better, or this joke will fall flatter than whatever it is you decide it will 'fall flatter than'.
All right, here goes. It seems that there was this really 'sweet young thing' who was about to get married. She was a family favorite, their pride and joy, their pure and innocent one. A real beauty, she and her intended had been a 'couple' for as many years as anyone could remember, and everyone who had ever known them was looking forward to attending and being a part of the blessed event.
It's the day of the wedding. The bride-to-be is in her gown, but nervous as all get out. She asks her grandmother, who has been married for 60-some odd years, to wait while she shoos everyone else out. She says that she wants to ask her grandmother a very important question.
OK. Everyone has gone. She and her grandmother are all alone now. The grandmother, who dearly loves her grandchild, is looking upon her with the most loving and kindly eyes and waiting patiently for 'the question'.
"Grandma," she finally begins, "you and Grandpa have been married for a long long time now, and you seem to be so happy -- -- -- Grandma, I don't know if you know this, but we have never 'been to bed' together. We wanted to 'save each other' for marriage, but now I don't even know what to expect. I mean, I know what to expect, but what I really mean is how often? how many? how .. ..?" (She's really stumbling around while she's trying to get all of this out.)
Grandma stops her by gently placing her fingers on her lips and - with a twinkle in her eyes - says, "Darling, I know what you're trying to ask ... ... When you're first married, you just can't keep your hands off of each other. You can't get enough of each other. And that's perfectly natural. But then, after a while, little by little, the passion - the extreme need for one another - ebbs, and you'll find that - over time, things will settle down ... ... When you've been married as long as we have, you're doing it maybe once a month and," she paused, "** **, tonight's the night!"
This first one I've heard before ... many many years ago, but it wasn't until I read Chuck's recent post that I thought of it again. I like it. Hope you do! It's called "Digging the Garden" ... ...
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work as the ground was very hard. Vincent (his only son), who used to help him, was in prison and unavailable.
In an effort to describe his predicament, he wrote a letter to his son. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you'd be happy to dig the plot for me just like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived. After digging up the entire area without finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
His next letter from Vincent read, Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
This next one, now, is one of my all-time favorites, but I don't know how to put in writing a sound that is an integral part of the punch line. So before I begin, I thought it would be best to try and describe the sound for you. (I can only make this sound, for some reason or another, out of the right side of my mouth!) To begin, you kind of clench your teeth and smile. Then, slapping your tongue against your clenched teeth towards the back of your mouth, you can make a sort of clicking sound. You have to make this clicking sound four times ... two times quickly in succession, followed by another two times - again quickly - in succession. I lost you, didn't I? If I didn't - did you practice 'clicking'? - lose you, I'll indicate this sound by (and now I'll have to think about how I'll write this sound. Oh, dear!) "** **" ... ... will that work? It'd better, or this joke will fall flatter than whatever it is you decide it will 'fall flatter than'.
All right, here goes. It seems that there was this really 'sweet young thing' who was about to get married. She was a family favorite, their pride and joy, their pure and innocent one. A real beauty, she and her intended had been a 'couple' for as many years as anyone could remember, and everyone who had ever known them was looking forward to attending and being a part of the blessed event.
It's the day of the wedding. The bride-to-be is in her gown, but nervous as all get out. She asks her grandmother, who has been married for 60-some odd years, to wait while she shoos everyone else out. She says that she wants to ask her grandmother a very important question.
OK. Everyone has gone. She and her grandmother are all alone now. The grandmother, who dearly loves her grandchild, is looking upon her with the most loving and kindly eyes and waiting patiently for 'the question'.
"Grandma," she finally begins, "you and Grandpa have been married for a long long time now, and you seem to be so happy -- -- -- Grandma, I don't know if you know this, but we have never 'been to bed' together. We wanted to 'save each other' for marriage, but now I don't even know what to expect. I mean, I know what to expect, but what I really mean is how often? how many? how .. ..?" (She's really stumbling around while she's trying to get all of this out.)
Grandma stops her by gently placing her fingers on her lips and - with a twinkle in her eyes - says, "Darling, I know what you're trying to ask ... ... When you're first married, you just can't keep your hands off of each other. You can't get enough of each other. And that's perfectly natural. But then, after a while, little by little, the passion - the extreme need for one another - ebbs, and you'll find that - over time, things will settle down ... ... When you've been married as long as we have, you're doing it maybe once a month and," she paused, "** **, tonight's the night!"
Monday, March 9, 2009
Fun and games
Liverpool Street Station - January 15, 2009
Actually, thousands auditioned for this commercial and 400 were chosen. Lots of rehearsals were held, the final two in the evenings just before the actual event. That sure would have been fun to see. Surprising, but fun!
Are you as smart as a fifth grader? Go here, take the test, and find out for yourself.
Excitement in the Swimming Pool ...
A rich Florida man decided he wanted to throw a party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. So he invited all of his friends and neighbors including Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
Everyone was having a good time, especially Leroy, who was drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ, and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party the host said, "I have a ten foot man-eating alligator in the pool, and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. That is, if he lives to collect!"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. He turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! And then there he was, fighting the alligator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, using head butts and choke holds, biting the alligator on the tail, and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the alligator and let it just float to the top like a dimestore goldfish. Then he slowly climbed out of the pool while everyone stared at him in disbelief.
"Well, you just earned yourself a million dollars," the host said.
"No, that's OK. I don't want it."
"Man, I have to give you something! How about half a million bucks, then?"
"No, thanks. I still don't want it," said Leroy.
The host then said, "Come on, I insist. That was amazing! How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well then, what do you want?"
"I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in!"
Actually, thousands auditioned for this commercial and 400 were chosen. Lots of rehearsals were held, the final two in the evenings just before the actual event. That sure would have been fun to see. Surprising, but fun!
Are you as smart as a fifth grader? Go here, take the test, and find out for yourself.
Excitement in the Swimming Pool ...
A rich Florida man decided he wanted to throw a party around the pool in the back yard of his mansion. So he invited all of his friends and neighbors including Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood.
Everyone was having a good time, especially Leroy, who was drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ, and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party the host said, "I have a ten foot man-eating alligator in the pool, and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. That is, if he lives to collect!"
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. He turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! And then there he was, fighting the alligator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, using head butts and choke holds, biting the alligator on the tail, and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the alligator and let it just float to the top like a dimestore goldfish. Then he slowly climbed out of the pool while everyone stared at him in disbelief.
"Well, you just earned yourself a million dollars," the host said.
"No, that's OK. I don't want it."
"Man, I have to give you something! How about half a million bucks, then?"
"No, thanks. I still don't want it," said Leroy.
The host then said, "Come on, I insist. That was amazing! How about a new Porsche, a Rolex, and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well then, what do you want?"
"I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in!"
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Lady judge rules defendant's actions "Justifiable" ...
... and throws out case.
In a landmark decision yesterday, the judge ruled in a case that had come to be known as "The Mammogram Strikes Back!"
Here is the defendant's testimony, taken directly from court records ... ...
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, and slip on this gown. Everything clear?" She then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science!"
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me to the left - literally - and said, "Hmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so I thought, "Why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to try and finish me off?"
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity - one part of my left side now firmly wedged between two 4" square pieces of glass - when we first heard, then felt a 'zap' followed by complete darkness as the power went off.
"Maintenance is working," she said as she headed for the door. "They must have hit a snag."
"Excuse me!" I shouted. "You're not going to leave me in this vise all alone, are you?"
As she made her exit I heard her say, "Oh, you fussy puppy! The door's wide open, so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
And before I could scream, "NOOOOO!!" she was gone.
That's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked, one part wedged in the "jaws of life" and the rest of me dangling.
After exchanging polite "Hi! Howzit goin'?" greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise what was now mounting hysteria, I replied as calmly as I could, "Uh, yes. Yes, I did, thanks!"
"You bet. Take care!" Bubba replied as he made his exit.
Two hours later Brenda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is the story behind how her head ended up between the clamps.
I am going to label this "Jokes", but I can ALmost see such a thing actually happening, and then it would not be nearly as funny, would it?
My time for blogging is going to be quite limited the next couple of days, so I thought I'd at least get this one out there - thanking Jennie for her e-mail, which prompted this post - before I depart the house to get the car washed and then go on up to IAH to pick up one of my regular and long-timey cancer patient taxicab customers.
This time, tho, I get the opportunity to meet his wife and one of his grandchildren! How very special!! Tomorrow morning I'll be picking her and their grandson up to take them down to NASA. While the two of them are enjoying their tour, I plan to go on over to Kemah - less than ten minutes away - to ascertain for myself what's really open for business there in the aftermath of Ike.
Talk to you later. Have to go now!
In a landmark decision yesterday, the judge ruled in a case that had come to be known as "The Mammogram Strikes Back!"
Here is the defendant's testimony, taken directly from court records ... ...
I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, and slip on this gown. Everything clear?" She then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science!"
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me to the left - literally - and said, "Hmmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine," I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so I thought, "Why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to try and finish me off?"
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity - one part of my left side now firmly wedged between two 4" square pieces of glass - when we first heard, then felt a 'zap' followed by complete darkness as the power went off.
"Maintenance is working," she said as she headed for the door. "They must have hit a snag."
"Excuse me!" I shouted. "You're not going to leave me in this vise all alone, are you?"
As she made her exit I heard her say, "Oh, you fussy puppy! The door's wide open, so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."
And before I could scream, "NOOOOO!!" she was gone.
That's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me ... half-naked, one part wedged in the "jaws of life" and the rest of me dangling.
After exchanging polite "Hi! Howzit goin'?" greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.
Trying to disguise what was now mounting hysteria, I replied as calmly as I could, "Uh, yes. Yes, I did, thanks!"
"You bet. Take care!" Bubba replied as he made his exit.
Two hours later Brenda breezed in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh, I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is the story behind how her head ended up between the clamps.
I am going to label this "Jokes", but I can ALmost see such a thing actually happening, and then it would not be nearly as funny, would it?
My time for blogging is going to be quite limited the next couple of days, so I thought I'd at least get this one out there - thanking Jennie for her e-mail, which prompted this post - before I depart the house to get the car washed and then go on up to IAH to pick up one of my regular and long-timey cancer patient taxicab customers.
This time, tho, I get the opportunity to meet his wife and one of his grandchildren! How very special!! Tomorrow morning I'll be picking her and their grandson up to take them down to NASA. While the two of them are enjoying their tour, I plan to go on over to Kemah - less than ten minutes away - to ascertain for myself what's really open for business there in the aftermath of Ike.
Talk to you later. Have to go now!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Christmas Cookie Observations
The following observations have been made by a noted master chef* who recently completed yet another intensive course in the culinary arts.
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is just a test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making Christmas cookies and wants to try one, you should - per rules of etiquette - eat with your friend. And because your friend's first cookie is calorie free (see #1), your courtesy allows you to participate in the tasting under the same exception.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will go directly to your feet and fall off as you continue to move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be negligible because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have only three and green ones have five ... one calorie for each letter.
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not considered one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories at all because the process of breaking causes massive calorie runoff.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories whatsoever because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories!
*Whalechaser. Although her astute observations have been edited for purposes of this post, the essence of her wisdom has been strictly adhered to. So, enjoy those cookies without fear of gaining even an ounce!
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is just a test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making Christmas cookies and wants to try one, you should - per rules of etiquette - eat with your friend. And because your friend's first cookie is calorie free (see #1), your courtesy allows you to participate in the tasting under the same exception.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will go directly to your feet and fall off as you continue to move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be negligible because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have only three and green ones have five ... one calorie for each letter.
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not considered one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories at all because the process of breaking causes massive calorie runoff.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories whatsoever because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories!
*Whalechaser. Although her astute observations have been edited for purposes of this post, the essence of her wisdom has been strictly adhered to. So, enjoy those cookies without fear of gaining even an ounce!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Community service
Another joke, this one courtesy of Whalechaser. Ready? Kind of appropriate, I think.
On Monday a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop Tuesday morning, a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses are waiting for him at his door.
Later on Tuesday a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The following morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts are waiting for him at his door.
On Wednesday afternoon a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop Thursday morning, he finds a 'thank you' card and a dozen books, including "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Later that same day a congressman comes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay his bill, the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
When the barber goes to open up the next morning, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
On Monday a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop Tuesday morning, a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses are waiting for him at his door.
Later on Tuesday a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again replies, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The following morning, when the barber goes to open his shop, a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts are waiting for him at his door.
On Wednesday afternoon a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill the barber again says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week." The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop Thursday morning, he finds a 'thank you' card and a dozen books, including "How to Improve Your Business" and "Becoming More Successful."
Later that same day a congressman comes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay his bill, the barber says, "I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week."
When the barber goes to open up the next morning, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Tact?
In May Chuck posted this joke, which I am blatantly copying (with maybe a word or two changed here or there) today.
I just want you all to know that I will not be posting tomorrow.
Have kind of a busy day planned. Am FInally going to get to cash in the coupon my Darling GrandDaughter (DGD) gave me last Christmas (!!!), in which I would be treated to a movie.
We've had just an awful time agreeing on a movie, first off. Secondly, she's quite the social gadabout!
BUT, tomorrow we are going to see The Secret Life of Bees. I am SO excited!
However, you should not be the least bit surprised if you click on to my site late tomorrow and see a pic taken of me a couple or three years ago out at DD's place in Katy (before they put in the pool).
We were playing badminton in their pretty good-sized backyard, and my daughter captured me mid guffaw. (I was having a really good time!)
She tells me that it's 'ready to be uploaded', whatever that means. Look for it, OK?
Before or after the movie and uploading, we are hoping to catch a game (or two) of ban/anagrams. Remember that post? What fun!
Then, tomorrow evening, I have a team game scheduled with one of my regular bridge partners. And so, all in all, a very busy day -- and one filled with just a ton of fun!
Ready for Chuck's joke? It's called "Tact", as above, and here it is.
When Tom went on vacation, he left his beloved cat, Blackie, with his sister, Joan. Three days into his trip, Tom called back to check on things.
"So, how is my cat?" Tom asked.
"He's dead!" replied Joan. No nonsense. Straight to the point.
"What?!?" screamed Tom. "You can't just hit somebody with news like that! You have to ease your way into it. Lay some groundwork for it. Use some tact."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Maybe you could have said something about Blackie being up on the roof. You reassure me you have it under control and that everything is going to be fine. When I call the next day, maybe you could say he jumped off and broke his leg but the vet said he would make a complete recovery. He's just going to have to spend a few days at the clinic," he explained. "Understand what I'm saying?"
"Of course," said Joan. "I'm not stupid, you know!"
"Okay," Fred continued. "When I call back the next day, you could say there were complications and that my cat had died. That way it wouldn't be such a blow, and you could have prepared me for bad news. Right?"
"Yeah, I've got it," she told him. "I'll try to be more tactful from now on."
"Good," said Fred. "I'm glad that's settled. So how's Aunt Alice?"
And after a very long pause, Joan hesitantly began, "Well, she's up on the roof right now."
I just want you all to know that I will not be posting tomorrow.
Have kind of a busy day planned. Am FInally going to get to cash in the coupon my Darling GrandDaughter (DGD) gave me last Christmas (!!!), in which I would be treated to a movie.
We've had just an awful time agreeing on a movie, first off. Secondly, she's quite the social gadabout!
BUT, tomorrow we are going to see The Secret Life of Bees. I am SO excited!
However, you should not be the least bit surprised if you click on to my site late tomorrow and see a pic taken of me a couple or three years ago out at DD's place in Katy (before they put in the pool).
We were playing badminton in their pretty good-sized backyard, and my daughter captured me mid guffaw. (I was having a really good time!)
She tells me that it's 'ready to be uploaded', whatever that means. Look for it, OK?
Before or after the movie and uploading, we are hoping to catch a game (or two) of ban/anagrams. Remember that post? What fun!
Then, tomorrow evening, I have a team game scheduled with one of my regular bridge partners. And so, all in all, a very busy day -- and one filled with just a ton of fun!
Ready for Chuck's joke? It's called "Tact", as above, and here it is.
When Tom went on vacation, he left his beloved cat, Blackie, with his sister, Joan. Three days into his trip, Tom called back to check on things.
"So, how is my cat?" Tom asked.
"He's dead!" replied Joan. No nonsense. Straight to the point.
"What?!?" screamed Tom. "You can't just hit somebody with news like that! You have to ease your way into it. Lay some groundwork for it. Use some tact."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Maybe you could have said something about Blackie being up on the roof. You reassure me you have it under control and that everything is going to be fine. When I call the next day, maybe you could say he jumped off and broke his leg but the vet said he would make a complete recovery. He's just going to have to spend a few days at the clinic," he explained. "Understand what I'm saying?"
"Of course," said Joan. "I'm not stupid, you know!"
"Okay," Fred continued. "When I call back the next day, you could say there were complications and that my cat had died. That way it wouldn't be such a blow, and you could have prepared me for bad news. Right?"
"Yeah, I've got it," she told him. "I'll try to be more tactful from now on."
"Good," said Fred. "I'm glad that's settled. So how's Aunt Alice?"
And after a very long pause, Joan hesitantly began, "Well, she's up on the roof right now."
Friday, August 22, 2008
Blondes and exams
Two more jokes for you ... another dumb blonde one (which is only so-so funny, I think), and an exam one which I find hilarious!
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone under, and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and, if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery."
The lottery night comes, and someone else wins.
She prays again, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes, but again someone else wins.
Once again she prays, "Oh God, why have you forgotten me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed as she hears God say, "I have heard your prayers and would like to help, but could you work with me on this one?? ... ... Buy a ticket!"
Two sophomores at Duke University were taking Organic Chemistry. They had done so well on all the midterms, quizzes, and labs, etc., that they both just knew they were 'Ace-ing' the course.
Even though the final exam was going to be on Monday, the weekend before they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends.
They had a great time, but slept almost all day Sunday with bad hangovers and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning. Rather than go dragging in to take the exam, they went in to see the professor afterwards and explained about all the car problems they had had on the way back, how they'd had to wait a long time for help, then they'd had a flat tire and had to change it. Could they possibly come in the next day to take the final?
The professor thought it over and then agreed that they could come in the following day to make up the final. He told his two star pupils to study hard. They did.
The next day came, and they appeared at the time the professor had set. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
The first problem was something simple about free radical formation and worth five points. "Piece of cake," each one thought.
However, when they turned to the next page, each was completely unprepared for the next question (worth 95 points), which was in several parts: Which tire? What time was it? Who changed it? Where were you when the tire went flat? What caused the tire to go flat? Who was driving?
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone under, and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray, "God, please help me. I've lost my business and, if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house. Please let me win the lottery."
The lottery night comes, and someone else wins.
She prays again, "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes, but again someone else wins.
Once again she prays, "Oh God, why have you forgotten me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I've always been a good servant. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the Heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed as she hears God say, "I have heard your prayers and would like to help, but could you work with me on this one?? ... ... Buy a ticket!"
Two sophomores at Duke University were taking Organic Chemistry. They had done so well on all the midterms, quizzes, and labs, etc., that they both just knew they were 'Ace-ing' the course.
Even though the final exam was going to be on Monday, the weekend before they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends.
They had a great time, but slept almost all day Sunday with bad hangovers and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning. Rather than go dragging in to take the exam, they went in to see the professor afterwards and explained about all the car problems they had had on the way back, how they'd had to wait a long time for help, then they'd had a flat tire and had to change it. Could they possibly come in the next day to take the final?
The professor thought it over and then agreed that they could come in the following day to make up the final. He told his two star pupils to study hard. They did.
The next day came, and they appeared at the time the professor had set. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
The first problem was something simple about free radical formation and worth five points. "Piece of cake," each one thought.
However, when they turned to the next page, each was completely unprepared for the next question (worth 95 points), which was in several parts: Which tire? What time was it? Who changed it? Where were you when the tire went flat? What caused the tire to go flat? Who was driving?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
A 'dumb blonde' joke
I'm a blonde, so I figure I can tell these, OK?
However, if you want to blame someone, blame Whalechaser ... she started it!
All right.
It seems that this blonde was having a really nice walk through the woods. She came to a river, and thought she might like to get to the other side.
So, she wandered alongside the river for a ways, looking for either a narrow spot where she might be able to jump across or a bridge.
Then she spotted a gal on the other side, who also happened to be a blonde.
"Hello!" she called. "How can I get to the other side?"
The other gal responded, "You are on the other side!"
However, if you want to blame someone, blame Whalechaser ... she started it!
All right.
It seems that this blonde was having a really nice walk through the woods. She came to a river, and thought she might like to get to the other side.
So, she wandered alongside the river for a ways, looking for either a narrow spot where she might be able to jump across or a bridge.
Then she spotted a gal on the other side, who also happened to be a blonde.
"Hello!" she called. "How can I get to the other side?"
The other gal responded, "You are on the other side!"
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
The safari dog, the leopard, and the monkey
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble now!"
But then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more cats around here?"
Hearing this, a look of terror comes over the leopard. He halts his attack in mid-stride and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," he says. "That was close! That dog nearly had me!!"
A monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use. He decides to trade news of the deception for protection from the leopard. Off goes the monkey in hot pursuit.
The dog hears the commotion and notices the monkey heading after the leopard with great speed. He figures something must be up and begins to analyze the possibilities.
Meanwhile, the monkey soon catches up with the leopard and reveals how the dog tricked the cat. Then he strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and wants revenge. He says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and come with me to watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Angry and impatient, the leopard doesn't bother with stealth. He just goes roaring through the jungle with the finesse of an elephant.
The dog hears the leopard coming. He has decided on his plan. Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers and pretends he hasn't a clue as to their presence.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog growls, "Where is that damn monkey?!? I am so HUNGRY! He takes too long. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back!!"
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies, and before long he discovers that he is lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Oh, boy, I'm in big trouble now!"
But then he notices some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more cats around here?"
Hearing this, a look of terror comes over the leopard. He halts his attack in mid-stride and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," he says. "That was close! That dog nearly had me!!"
A monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use. He decides to trade news of the deception for protection from the leopard. Off goes the monkey in hot pursuit.
The dog hears the commotion and notices the monkey heading after the leopard with great speed. He figures something must be up and begins to analyze the possibilities.
Meanwhile, the monkey soon catches up with the leopard and reveals how the dog tricked the cat. Then he strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The cat is furious at being made a fool of and wants revenge. He says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and come with me to watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Angry and impatient, the leopard doesn't bother with stealth. He just goes roaring through the jungle with the finesse of an elephant.
The dog hears the leopard coming. He has decided on his plan. Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers and pretends he hasn't a clue as to their presence.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the dog growls, "Where is that damn monkey?!? I am so HUNGRY! He takes too long. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back!!"
Saturday, July 12, 2008
New Apple product
Apple Computer recently announced that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
It will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
It will cost between $499 and $699, depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Friday, July 11, 2008
More political correctness
Let's not forget certain residents of Kentucky, Tennessee, and West Virginia. They must no longer be referred to as 'hillbillies'. They should now be called 'Appalachian-Americans'.
And so here you go, the female version, courtesy of Chuck.
How to speak about women and be politically correct ...
1. She is not a 'babe' or 'chick', she is a 'breasted American'.
2. She is not 'easy', she is 'horizontally accessible'.
3. She is not a 'dumb blonde', she is a 'light-haired detour off the information superhighway'.
4. She has not 'been around', she is a 'previously-enjoyed companion'.
5. She does not 'nag', she is 'verbally repetitive'.
6. She is not a 'two-bit hooker', she is a 'low cost provider'.
Me? I'm not "just" an 'American'. I should now be referred to as a 'Dutch/English/German/Irish/Swedish-American'.
And so here you go, the female version, courtesy of Chuck.
How to speak about women and be politically correct ...
1. She is not a 'babe' or 'chick', she is a 'breasted American'.
2. She is not 'easy', she is 'horizontally accessible'.
3. She is not a 'dumb blonde', she is a 'light-haired detour off the information superhighway'.
4. She has not 'been around', she is a 'previously-enjoyed companion'.
5. She does not 'nag', she is 'verbally repetitive'.
6. She is not a 'two-bit hooker', she is a 'low cost provider'.
Me? I'm not "just" an 'American'. I should now be referred to as a 'Dutch/English/German/Irish/Swedish-American'.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Political correctness
Boy oh boy, I wish I could take the credit for these, but I can't. When I first read them just the other day, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more.
I hope that you get some enjoyment from them.
How to speak about men and be politically correct ...
1. He does not have a 'beer gut', he has developed a 'liquid grain storage facility'.
2. He is not a 'bad dancer', he is 'overly Caucasian'.
3. He does not 'get lost all the time', he 'investigates alternative destinations'.
4. He is not 'balding', he is in 'follicle regression'.
5. He does not act like a 'total ass', he develops a case of 'rectal-cranial inversion'.
6. It isn't his 'crack' you see hanging out of his pants, it's 'rear cleavage'.
I hope that you get some enjoyment from them.
How to speak about men and be politically correct ...
1. He does not have a 'beer gut', he has developed a 'liquid grain storage facility'.
2. He is not a 'bad dancer', he is 'overly Caucasian'.
3. He does not 'get lost all the time', he 'investigates alternative destinations'.
4. He is not 'balding', he is in 'follicle regression'.
5. He does not act like a 'total ass', he develops a case of 'rectal-cranial inversion'.
6. It isn't his 'crack' you see hanging out of his pants, it's 'rear cleavage'.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Stinky joke time
Actually, I think this first one might have some truth to it.
Do you remember the old drive in theaters? The ones with speakers that scratched your car all up and you could hardly understand a word that was being said? Or, maybe you weren't at all interested in what was being said because you were too busy making out?
Well, it seems that there was this drive in theater somewhere in the South that was segregated, whites on one side and 'coloreds' on the other. The white side had indoor plumbing facilities, the colored side outhouses. The white side had huge circulating fans, the colored side nothing.
One night a bunch of hefty coloreds decided that they were going to have a little fun. They overturned the outhouses right in front of the large fans, the contents spilled out (natch), and the stench overwhelmed the white audience.
They called it a case of the 'shit hitting the fan'.
THAT one strikes me as having some semblance of truth.
[I grew up mainly -- from 3rd grade on -- in the far north, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. There was no segregation up there that I can remember ... perhaps because there weren't very many blacks, I don't know. I'd like to think that, even if there were, there would still have been no segregation. Dream world?]
This next story is so far removed from the truth that, unless you are just incredibly naive and believe absolutely everything you're told, you will snort right from the very beginning. Ready? Here we go.
There was this tremendously successful hunter. His home had had to be enlarged many times to hold all of his trophies, but still he was unhappy. It seems that there was one trophy missing from his vast collection. He had been trying for years to get it, but it had always eluded him.
Now, he thought he was getting a little too old to go trekking through jungles in search of this rarity, but he kept hearing stories about its possible existence in a remote jungle area that he had not explored before, so he thought he'd give it one last try. Off he went in search of this unique creature, the foo bird.
The second week into the safari, exhausted, hot, dirty, and itching all over from various bites and stings, he was about ready to call it quits when word came to his guide that a foo bird had been sighted!
However, his guide warned him that the nearby villagers regarded the foo bird as a sacred object. He would not be allowed to harm it in any way. The hunter was disappointed, but thought that if he could just SEE one, his trip would have been somewhat worthwhile.
They arrived at the village. The hunter looked all around, hoping to see a foo bird. The villagers watched him very carefully. All of a sudden his guide pointed and said, "There!!"
The hunter took off his safari hat to try and shield his eyes from the sun, and wouldn't you know it? The foo bird chose that very second to plop a big one right on top of his head.
As the hunter raised his arm to wipe the gob of you know what off, the guide quickly grabbed his arm and said, "No! The villagers say that if you wipe it off, you will die!"
Now what? The hunter had seen a foo bird, all right, but the only trophy he would be bringing home was the one he was wearing on the top of his head.
Why didn't he just remove it? Well, he wasn't at all sure that the villagers were not correct, and he really wasn't interested in challenging their claim.
And so, he returned home ... alone, of course. No one wanted to be around the stench. Weeks went by. He was very careful when he bathed. He ate alone. He walked alone. He was shunned.
One day he decided that he just couldn't take it any more. He reached up and, with one magnificent swoop, removed the offending object and immediately fell dead.
The moral of this story is, "If the foo shits, wear it."
(By the way, this post was inspired by Will. Note the 3rd paragraph.)
Do you remember the old drive in theaters? The ones with speakers that scratched your car all up and you could hardly understand a word that was being said? Or, maybe you weren't at all interested in what was being said because you were too busy making out?
Well, it seems that there was this drive in theater somewhere in the South that was segregated, whites on one side and 'coloreds' on the other. The white side had indoor plumbing facilities, the colored side outhouses. The white side had huge circulating fans, the colored side nothing.
One night a bunch of hefty coloreds decided that they were going to have a little fun. They overturned the outhouses right in front of the large fans, the contents spilled out (natch), and the stench overwhelmed the white audience.
They called it a case of the 'shit hitting the fan'.
THAT one strikes me as having some semblance of truth.
[I grew up mainly -- from 3rd grade on -- in the far north, the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. There was no segregation up there that I can remember ... perhaps because there weren't very many blacks, I don't know. I'd like to think that, even if there were, there would still have been no segregation. Dream world?]
This next story is so far removed from the truth that, unless you are just incredibly naive and believe absolutely everything you're told, you will snort right from the very beginning. Ready? Here we go.
There was this tremendously successful hunter. His home had had to be enlarged many times to hold all of his trophies, but still he was unhappy. It seems that there was one trophy missing from his vast collection. He had been trying for years to get it, but it had always eluded him.
Now, he thought he was getting a little too old to go trekking through jungles in search of this rarity, but he kept hearing stories about its possible existence in a remote jungle area that he had not explored before, so he thought he'd give it one last try. Off he went in search of this unique creature, the foo bird.
The second week into the safari, exhausted, hot, dirty, and itching all over from various bites and stings, he was about ready to call it quits when word came to his guide that a foo bird had been sighted!
However, his guide warned him that the nearby villagers regarded the foo bird as a sacred object. He would not be allowed to harm it in any way. The hunter was disappointed, but thought that if he could just SEE one, his trip would have been somewhat worthwhile.
They arrived at the village. The hunter looked all around, hoping to see a foo bird. The villagers watched him very carefully. All of a sudden his guide pointed and said, "There!!"
The hunter took off his safari hat to try and shield his eyes from the sun, and wouldn't you know it? The foo bird chose that very second to plop a big one right on top of his head.
As the hunter raised his arm to wipe the gob of you know what off, the guide quickly grabbed his arm and said, "No! The villagers say that if you wipe it off, you will die!"
Now what? The hunter had seen a foo bird, all right, but the only trophy he would be bringing home was the one he was wearing on the top of his head.
Why didn't he just remove it? Well, he wasn't at all sure that the villagers were not correct, and he really wasn't interested in challenging their claim.
And so, he returned home ... alone, of course. No one wanted to be around the stench. Weeks went by. He was very careful when he bathed. He ate alone. He walked alone. He was shunned.
One day he decided that he just couldn't take it any more. He reached up and, with one magnificent swoop, removed the offending object and immediately fell dead.
The moral of this story is, "If the foo shits, wear it."
(By the way, this post was inspired by Will. Note the 3rd paragraph.)
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