I've got a bunch of other things going on right now that require a bit of concentration, so thought I'd try and lighten up your day (and mine) with a chuckle or two.
This first one I've heard before ... many many years ago, but it wasn't until I read Chuck's recent post that I thought of it again. I like it. Hope you do! It's called "Digging the Garden" ... ...
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was difficult work as the ground was very hard. Vincent (his only son), who used to help him, was in prison and unavailable.
In an effort to describe his predicament, he wrote a letter to his son. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you'd be happy to dig the plot for me just like in the old days. Love, Papa
A few days later, he received a letter from his son. Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie
At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived. After digging up the entire area without finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.
His next letter from Vincent read, Dear Pop, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love you, Vinnie
This next one, now, is one of my all-time favorites, but I don't know how to put in writing a sound that is an integral part of the punch line. So before I begin, I thought it would be best to try and describe the sound for you. (I can only make this sound, for some reason or another, out of the right side of my mouth!) To begin, you kind of clench your teeth and smile. Then, slapping your tongue against your clenched teeth towards the back of your mouth, you can make a sort of clicking sound. You have to make this clicking sound four times ... two times quickly in succession, followed by another two times - again quickly - in succession. I lost you, didn't I? If I didn't - did you practice 'clicking'? - lose you, I'll indicate this sound by (and now I'll have to think about how I'll write this sound. Oh, dear!) "** **" ... ... will that work? It'd better, or this joke will fall flatter than whatever it is you decide it will 'fall flatter than'.
All right, here goes. It seems that there was this really 'sweet young thing' who was about to get married. She was a family favorite, their pride and joy, their pure and innocent one. A real beauty, she and her intended had been a 'couple' for as many years as anyone could remember, and everyone who had ever known them was looking forward to attending and being a part of the blessed event.
It's the day of the wedding. The bride-to-be is in her gown, but nervous as all get out. She asks her grandmother, who has been married for 60-some odd years, to wait while she shoos everyone else out. She says that she wants to ask her grandmother a very important question.
OK. Everyone has gone. She and her grandmother are all alone now. The grandmother, who dearly loves her grandchild, is looking upon her with the most loving and kindly eyes and waiting patiently for 'the question'.
"Grandma," she finally begins, "you and Grandpa have been married for a long long time now, and you seem to be so happy -- -- -- Grandma, I don't know if you know this, but we have never 'been to bed' together. We wanted to 'save each other' for marriage, but now I don't even know what to expect. I mean, I know what to expect, but what I really mean is how often? how many? how .. ..?" (She's really stumbling around while she's trying to get all of this out.)
Grandma stops her by gently placing her fingers on her lips and - with a twinkle in her eyes - says, "Darling, I know what you're trying to ask ... ... When you're first married, you just can't keep your hands off of each other. You can't get enough of each other. And that's perfectly natural. But then, after a while, little by little, the passion - the extreme need for one another - ebbs, and you'll find that - over time, things will settle down ... ... When you've been married as long as we have, you're doing it maybe once a month and," she paused, "** **, tonight's the night!"