Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas Cookie Observations

The following observations have been made by a noted master chef* who recently completed yet another intensive course in the culinary arts.

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is just a test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making Christmas cookies and wants to try one, you should - per rules of etiquette - eat with your friend. And because your friend's first cookie is calorie free (see #1), your courtesy allows you to participate in the tasting under the same exception.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will go directly to your feet and fall off as you continue to move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be negligible because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have only three and green ones have five ... one calorie for each letter.

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not considered one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories at all because the process of breaking causes massive calorie runoff.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate.

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories whatsoever because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories!

*Whalechaser. Although her astute observations have been edited for purposes of this post, the essence of her wisdom has been strictly adhered to. So, enjoy those cookies without fear of gaining even an ounce!


Tammy said...

I'm assuming this is true for cupcakes, too??? ;)

Chuck said...

Please note: The above stated calorie assertions are mere theory, and as the recipient stomach for many of these culinary delights, I have not yet verified their veracity. Based on empirical evidence assembled thus far, I am in fact dubious of their accuracy. (But they are delicious!)

Goldenrod said...

Oh, I don't know, Tammy. I do not recall ever reading any of her observations on cupcakes. She might not have made any. And note that these observations only apply to Christmas cookies. Perhaps they are somehow included in the miraculous wonderness of it all.

If you are baking special Christmas cupcakes, I'm inclined to conclude from her extensive research on Christmas cookies that positive extrapolations could easily be extended to include Christmas cupcakes. Are your cupcakes red?

Chuck, now, is just sitting there reading a book. It doesn't appear as tho he is eating Christmas cookies, but - if he is, then I would say that he is not adhering to Whalechaser's tried and true facts.

The cat, on the other hand, has obviously ingested many a Christmas cookie and is looking directly at the photographer as if to see if any more goodies are to be shortly forthcoming. And so, I have deduced that Whalechaser's observations do not extend to felines.

I almost wish that she had included an 'official taste tester' in her observations. It makes perfect sense to me that a taste tester of official rank - due to the strict duties and requirements inherent in such an important position - would always be excluded from any significant caloric intake, but that's just a guess on my part.

Tammy said...

They are Christmas cupcakes, so I'm gonna say these rules count. ;)

Goldenrod said...

I'm with you there, Tammy! :)

Craig Peihopa said...

I look at cookies, especially hot ones and just put on kilos looking at them, and the smell! Who can resist. But now I will eat with much more assurance that they are now calorie free! Gee I am glad we have you Goldenrod!

Goldenrod said...

Me too, Craig!