Monday, July 20, 2009


I have a dear, dear friend ... one whom I have never met, but one whom I consider very dear ... who has recently undergone radical breast surgery (her second time around with this dreaded disease that we commonly term 'cancer') and is trying to recover from trying to rid her body of its latest alien invasion.

She is my age! She talks about 'having to take naps now' - whereas before the surgery she didn't, she says.

I'd like to share with you a couple of e-mails that she recently sent. This first one, titled "If my body were a car", goes like this ... ...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things, even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently, but here's the worst of it ... ... Almost every time I sneeze, cough, or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Not enough of an inspiration for you? Try THIS one! It's called "Smiles or groans" ... ...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much 'pi'.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from Algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade, thrown into a kitchen in France, would result in Linoleum Blownaparte.

9. Two silkworms were in a race. It ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a-head."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Keep Off the Grass".

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, the nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a "small medium at-large".

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a 'seasoned' veteran.

20. A backward poet writes 'in-verse'.

21. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

What could I possibly add to these? Nothing of worth, certainly!


Craig Peihopa said...

This is so funny. I think I will take one aspect of this and write a post on it. It is not a Litter of puppies though. I am intrigued by collective names for animals like A Murder of Crows, A Pride of Lions, A herd of cows, a litter of kittens but do you know what it is of cats? or what it is of swans?

Goldenrod said...

The answer is "No" to ANY of your questions, Craig, sorry!

Will look forward to your post.