Wednesday, August 12, 2009

She's baaack!

Who's back? Jennie is! Back from the not quite yet frozen tundra of the UP (the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, for those of you who are from other parts of the world and are unfamiliar with "UP"), where she had to dress in long sleeves and wear warm outerwear in order to keep from shivering.

It's beautiful up there - particularly on the Lake Superior side of the UP - but you know what? I'll take the heat and humidity anytime! (Hurricane-related problems inclusive.)

ANYhoo, she's sending me goodies again, a couple of which I'm going to share with and treat you to. How's that sound?

This first one I'm calling "The Origin of S.H.I.T." Ready? Here we go ... ...

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship. Commercial fertilizers had not yet been invented, so large shipments of manure were common.

The manure was shipped dry. In dry form, it weighed a lot less than when wet.

However, once the water (at sea) hit it, it not only expanded and became heavier, the process of fermentation began ... ... one byproduct of which is methane gas.

Now, you should keep in mind that all of this stuff was stored below decks in bundles. As you might imagine, the methane gas continued to build up until one time someone came below at night with a lantern and KA BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner, as a matter of fact, before the cause of the explosions was discovered. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High in Transit" on them.

"And now you know," as Paul Harvey (and boy, do I miss that man!) would have said, "the rest of the story!"

This next one is superdeliciocious, but it's going to take me a while to transcribe it. It's called "A School Answering Machine" ... ...

... (phone ringing) ...

Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection ... ...

To lie about why your child is absent, press 1.

To make excuses for why your child did not do his homework, press 2.

To complain about what WE do, press 3.

To swear at staff members, press 4.

To ask why you didn't get information that has already been enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers that have been mailed to you, press 5.

If you want us to rate your child, press 6.

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone, press 7.

To request another teacher for the third time this year, press 8.

To complain about bus transportation, press 9.

To complain about school lunches, press 0.

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his or her own behavior, classwork and homework and that it's not the teacher's fault for your child's lack of effort, hang up and 'Have a nice day!'

If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it. Thank you for your interest in public education.

Is that hysterical, or what?!? I could have taken the time, with Tammy's help, to link you to the player for this. However, there are no visuals. If you'd like me to give you the link (so you can actually hear the person speaking for yourselves), just say so in a comment and I will do so.

All I can add is, "Welcome back, Jennie!"


Chuck said...

Both funny, though the first is Internet myth since the word first appeared in writing in the 1300s (per (But it's still fun to read fiction.)

Goldenrod said...

WHAT 'word' first appeared in writing in the 1300's, Chuck? Manure? Fertilizer? WHAAAT?!?

Btw, your Cubbies are currently 'sucking' and my Astros are not far behind in that category! :(:):(

Tammy said...

The answering machine message...too funny!