Monday, May 11, 2009

Miracle Toddler Diet! Guaranteed Results!!

I had a pleasant surprise this morning. I came in here and discovered that someone had left a comment on my "Presbytery Point" post of over a year ago. Turns out this fellow spent many a summer there, as well, and thanked me for bringing back some great memories. And then, of course, I had to go back and re-read my own post to see what memories he was referring to and - while reading - thought of even more that I could have shared. That's the way it goes, isn't it?

I followed the link to his profile and discovered that he is a Presbyterian minister and has been blogging since 2004. Looks like he has four different blogs going. I began reading one of them, and had to stop when I reached his "Miracle Toddler Diet!" post, which brought a huge smile to my face.

This post is 'lifted' directly from his site. It's deliciously funny, and I thought you might enjoy it, too. He doesn't attribute the origins for this diet to anyone else, so I'm assuming that he made it up himself. Good for him!


People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days.

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him afterwards. Good Luck !!!

DAY ONE:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.

DAY THREE:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.
After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor.
Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY:
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Repeat Every Four Days!
Enjoy!
However, Sorry-to-say, in order to lose the entire 75# in 2 weeks, you’ll need a support system and only BEING a “toddler” will guarantee these results!



Thank you, Steve!

3 comments:

tamlovesran said...

I had read this years ago but forgotten about it. Cute! Thanks for sharing

Chuck said...

I was about to try the diet and then saw that you have to rub pancake syrup in your hair. Obviously I can't do that, so I guess there's no sense in pursuing the rest of the directions. Oh well!

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