Someone sent this to Craig, our blogger friend in Australia, who recently celebrated his birthday. Thought I'd share it with you. Enjoy!
Oh! I should add that Cardinals, Red Sox and Yankees fans need not read this. They're already getting enough jollies, thank you very much. The rest of us need this little diversion.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and then that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient way of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness. Beer is also made from grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, and so forth.
Q: What are some of the advantages in participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is "No pain = good!"
Q: Fried foods are bad for you, right?
A: You're not listening!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated with it. How can getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent my getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? Hello! Cocoa beans, another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! "Round" is a shape!!