Saturday, February 28, 2009

Fun and games

OK now, just sit back and relax.

Are you sitting back and relaxed? OK. Lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Did you do it? OK. Now, while your right foot is in the air and making clockwise circles, draw the numeral '6' in the air with your right hand.

What happened with your foot? Did it change directions? (BTW, it doesn't make any difference how many times you try this!)

Are you ready for a few jokes? Thought I'd end the month with some jocularity. (If you like your jokes all on the up and up, clean, and not to mention religious side, you should probably stop reading right here. Fair warning!)

What Would YOU Do?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. En route, he asks the cab driver if he would be a witness. (The man suspects his wife has been having an affair and he wants to try and catch her "in the act".) For 100 smackeroos, the cabbie agrees.

All right. They arrive at his house and quietly tiptoe into the bedroom, whereupon the husband turns on the lights, yanks the blankets back, and sees his wife in bed with another man. The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife screams, "STOP!! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season tickets to see the Pittsburgh Steelers play. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Lowering the gun and shaking his head from side to side, the husband looks over at the cab driver and asks, "What would you do?"

The reply? "I'd cover his butt with those blankets before he catches cold!!"

The Fishing Trip

His hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends near a river or lake and usually paid no attention to the weather.

One Sunday, very early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. However, he didn't feel very well, and it was bitterly cold and raining. After he got out of his car, he just stood there shivering for several minutes. Then he shook his head and muttered something about 'getting old', got back in the car, and drove home.

Upon arriving, he quickly shed his clothes and got into the warm bed next to his wife. (The sun was just now coming up.) "What terrible weather we're having today, honey," he said.

Yawning and stretching, but not bothering to open her eyes, she replied, "Yes, but can you believe it? My idiot husband still went fishing!"

The Irishman

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness Brewery ..."

"Oh God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

After some moments she asked, "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh, my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no, Brenda ... no."


"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

And so on we go, charging forward into March. (I wonder if March is ready for us?)


Craig Peihopa said...

exit quietly would be what I would do on the first one, oops on the second, and I love the tird or should that have said tHird!

Great post

your last comment of the post reminded me of the Riddler when jack Nicholson played the part and said "Wait 'til they get a load of me" March, stand back I am comin through!!

Goldenrod said...

Exit quietly? You wouldn't even recover his behind??

I love Irish jokes, generally, Craig. Watch your e-mail box. I'm sending one atcha (not publishable on my blog). :)

Anonymous said...

Way too funny. I laughed very hard so did my wife.


Goldenrod said...

Glad both you and your wife got some good laughs out of these, Steve. Sometime on down the road I'll publish my all-time favorite! The punch line is, "Tonight's the night!" Perhaps you've already heard it?