Monday, February 16, 2009

Attention, all word lovers

Once again, Jennie has alerted me to something I thought you might find of interest. Well, not only of interest, but some of these - the ones marked with an asterisk - I find absolutely hilarious! (By the way, the asterisks indicate what I thought were hilarious! In the report she sent, there were no asterisks.) I'd be interested in hearing your reactions!!

It seems the Washington Post - which I have never read (!?!) - annually runs a contest or two. In this first one, readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. Here are the winning entries ... ...

1. Coffee (n.) ... the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) ... appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) ... to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade* (v.) ... to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) ... impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) ... absent-mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph*** (v.) ... to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) ... olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) ... emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) ... a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle** (n.) ... a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude* (n.) ... the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n.) ... a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) ... a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism* (n.) ... the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) ... an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

**Just had to give this one two stars!
***My probably all-time and forever favorite!!

Here are the Washington Post's winning entries from their "Mensa Invitational", which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary and then alter it by either adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the winning entries ... ...

1. Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

5. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

6. Giraffiti*: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm*: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intraveneously when you are running late.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these very bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon: The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler Effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit*: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug*: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor: The colour you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


Tammy said...

That was fun, fun, fun!

My faves:

List 1: esplanade, balderdash, and circumvent

List 2: intaxication, Dopeler Effect, Arachnoleptic Fit, and Beelzebug

Anonymous said...

Love these types of lists. I must have missed this.

The Washington Post is on the web. Think it's


Goldenrod said...

Glad you enjoyed them, Tammy and Steve. I like stuff like that, as well, obviously!

My friend Jacky sent me the Washington Post web link, too, probably thinking (as you might have been, Steve) that I'd never had the opportunity to read it. On the contrary, it was always available! It's just that I never WAS much of an avid newspaper reader - outside of the sports section, except for the Munising News (which I always read from cover to cover), but after Dad died in 1986 and my GG mom moved back to Minnesota my ready access to it disappeared. (Dad, Mom, and GiGi always sent me clippings that they thought I would find of interest.) I could have subscribed to it, I suppose, but I never did.

I've lived in Houston a little over half of my life now, and when there were two newspapers - the Post and the Chronicle - I read the Post frequently. That newspaper was founded by the Hobby family. But then, when the Post went out of business and its assets were bought out by the Chronicle, we went back to being just a one newspaper town, and the Chronicle -- well, what can I say? -- deteriorated even further.

Tammy, I've got to tell you that - just a few minutes ago - I went back into the kitchen to get some more ice, and grinned from ear to ear when I saw those Valentines that your daughters lovingly made for me there on prominent display. I might even decide to leave them up until they disintegrate completely! :)

Tammy said...

So glad you enjoyed them. My girls think the world of you. :)

Craig Peihopa said...

This is wonderful, I love the variety of places you take us all to Goldenrod. again I say, YOU is the best!