Thursday, March 27, 2008

Memories of my mother ...

This post is the first in what will probably be many ... 5? 6? 7? 8? ??? ... in a series I have entitled, "Memories of my mother ..."

I must tell you that they will not be posted daily. THIS one, however, I feel an almost compulsion to write, or at least begin the series.

First off, I will say that I have no 'bad' memories of my mother. There are some sad memories, of course!

The occasion of my mother's death is the primary reason I left my first husband. (That's not HER fault, I hope you understand! Please read on.)

When she found out that she was dying of lung cancer in 1976, I went back to Munising (in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan) to see her for the last time. I wrote her a letter, in which I said, (something like, because I don't have a copy of that letter) "I will try to conduct my life in such a manner so that, when you see me, you will not be ashamed."

At that time, I believed (and maybe still do, but I haven't taken the time recently to reexamine my beliefs) that a person exists/lives on in some fashion after death and 'knows' what's happening.

Honestly? At that time?? I disgusted myself ... truly!! I could no longer look at myself in the mirror with any kind of favor.

I had gone outside of the marriage to try and 'fulfill' my fantasies ... not once, but many times!

Really, I was less than pitiful. (You might think I am being too hard on myself here. We will probably disagree.)

Sorry. I have to stop. I didn't initially intend to write what I did ... but, now that I have, I'm not the least bit interested in deleting it. If I lose some or all of you due to what I am about to post, so be it. The 'truth will out', as it were. I'll be particularly sorry to lose you, Tammy, if you decide you'd rather not stick with me, but I will try and understand.

O.K. It's shortly to be 'out there'. I feel a great deal of relief. No regrets.


Tammy said...

No regrets!

All that we do, in our past, present, and future, both what we believe to be good or bad, make us who we are.

I love you for who you are, Helen. :)

Goldenrod said...

Thank you, Tammy.

I am glad to have you as a friend.