Rules cats live by

Thought I'd go in a different direction from the Olympics for a post or two and share with you an e-mail that our friend, Jennie, sent me.

If you're a cat lover, you'll relate to it and have a few laughs (or moans and groans, as the case may be). If you're not a cat lover, you'll sneer and congratulate yourself that you don't own a cat.

Whichever you are, here it is ... ...

Bathrooms: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a human to open a closed door, scratch on it with your foreclaws or just sit and meow piteously until someone comes to your assistance. Once a door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. If an "outside" door has been graciously opened for you, stand halfway in and out and think about what you'll be doing next. It is particularly important to remember this during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage that in time, hurry to an Oriental rug. If your home has no Oriental rugs, shag will do nicely. When throwing up on a carpet, make sure you back up as you heave so your vomit trail is as long as a human's bare foot.

Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. You are expected to help, even though some humans might refer to your helping as 'hampering'. 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and therefore stand a better chance of being stepped on and then being picked up and comforted. 2) If your busy human is reading a book, get in under their chin - as close as you can between their eyes and the book. Better yet, lie across the book itself. 3) If your busy human is doing paperwork, lie on the work, trying to obscure as much of it as possible. Pretend to doze, but every once in a while reach out a paw and gently slap (tap) the pen or pencil. 4) If your busy human is reading a newspaper, be sure to jump on the back of it. Humans love to be surprised! 5) If your busy human is working at a computer, jump up on the desk, walk across the keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen and then lie on human's lap across arms so you can more easily be of assistance with any typing in progress.

Hiding: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances! This will cause the humans to panic (which they love!), thinking that you have run away, are lost or hurt. When you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you might even get a treat.

Although Jennie's e-mail has been liberally edited by me, I hope you got a kick out of it. At the very least, you've had a little break in your day.